“Alternative” Lyrics 197

Topic: Vladimir Putin; Russia; Donald J. Trump; Fake News; Facebook; Donald J. Trump’s Base; Mainstream Media; Donald J. Trump’s Administration; Robert Mueller; Resistance; Democrats; Fair Elections; Democracy; Justice
“This is the House That Jack Built” by Various

This is the house that Jack built.

This is the malt
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the rat that ate the malt
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the cat that chased the rat
That ate the malt
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the malt
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the malt
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the maiden all forlorn
That milked the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the malt
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the man all tattered and torn
That kissed the maiden all forlorn
That milked the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the malt
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the priest all shaven and shorn
That married the man all tattered and torn
That kissed the maiden all forlorn
That milked the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the malt
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the cock that crowed in the morn
That woke the priest all shaven and shorn
That married the man all tattered and torn
That kissed the maiden all forlorn
That milked the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the malt
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the farmer sowing his corn
That kept the cock that crowed in the morn
That woke the priest all shaven and shorn
That married the man all tattered and torn
That kissed the maiden all forlorn
That milked the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the malt
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the horse and the hound and the horn
That belonged to the farmer sowing his corn
That kept the cock that crowed in the morn
That woke the priest all shaven and shorn
That married the man all tattered and torn
That kissed the maiden all forlorn
That milked the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the malt
That lay in the house that Jack built.

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“Alternative” Lyrics 195

Topic: Donald J. Trump; Republicans; Republican Party; Politicians; Evangelicals; Donald J. Trump’s Base
“Ching-a-Ring Chaw” by Various

Ching-a-ring-a ring ching ching,
Ho a ding-a-ding kum larkee,
Ching-a-ring-a ring ching ching,
Ho a ding kum larkee.

Brothers gather round,
Listen to this story,
‘Bout the promised land,
An’ the promised glory.

You don’t need to fear,
If you have no money,
You don’t need none there,
To buy you milk and honey.

There you’ll ride in style,
Coach with four white horses,
There the evenin’ meal,
Has one two three four courses.

Nights we all will dance
To the harp and fiddle,
Waltz and jig and prance,
“And Cast off down the middle!”

When the mornin’ come,
All in grand and splendour,
Stand out in the sun,
And hear the holy thunder!

Brothers hear me out,
The promised land’s a-comin’
Dance and sing and shout,
I hear them harps a strummin’.

Ching-a-ring-a ching
Ching ching, ching a ring ching
Ching-a-ring-a ching ching,
Ching a Ching a Ching chning

Ching-a-ring-a,
Ching-a-ring-a,
Ching-a-ring-a,
Ring, ching ching ching CHAW!

“Alternative” Lyrics 194

Topic: Melania Trump
Auxiliary Topic: China; Canada; Mexico; European Union; Japan; India; Turkey; Russia
Tertiary Topic: Donald J. Trump; Republicans; Republican Party; Donald J. Trump’s Base
Quaternary Topic: Donald J. Trump; Robert Mueller
“Who Can It Be Now?” by Men at Work

Who can it be knocking at my door?
Go ‘way, don’t come ’round here no more.
Can’t you see that it’s late at night?
I’m very tired, and I’m not feeling right.
All I wish is to be alone;
Stay away, don’t you invade my home.
Best off if you hang outside,
Don’t come in, I’ll only run and hide.

[Repeat: x4]
Who can it be now?

Who can it be knocking at my door?
Make no sound, tip-toe across the floor.
If he hears, he’ll knock all day,
I’ll be trapped, and here I’ll have to stay.
I’ve done no harm, I keep to myself;
There’s nothing wrong with my state of mental health.
I like it here with my childhood friend;
Here they come, those feelings again!

[Repeat: x4]
Who can it be now?

Is it the man come to take me away?
Why do they follow me?
It’s not the future that I can see,
It’s just my fantasy

Oh, Who can it be now?
Oh, Who can it, Who can it
Yeah yeah yeah

“Alternative” Lyrics 189

Topic: Donald J. Trump; North Korea
Auxiliary Topic: Donald J. Trump; Business Partners
Tertiary Topic: Donald J. Trump; Republicans; Republican Party; Donald J. Trump’s Base
Quarternary Topic: Donald J. Trump; Donald J. Trump’s Wives; Mistresses; Porn Stars; Rape Victims
“She Hates Me” by Puddle of Mudd

Met a girl, thought she was grand
Fell in love, found out first hand
Went well for a week or two
Then it all came unglued

In a trap trip I can’t grip
Never thought I’d be the one who’d slip
Then I started to realize
I was living one big lie

She fucking hates me
Trust she fucking hates me
La la la love
I tried too hard and she tore my feelings like I had none
And ripped them away

She was queen for about an hour
After that shit got sour
She took all I ever had
No sign of guilt
No feeling of bad, no

In a trapped trip I can’t grip
Never thought I’d be the one who’d slip
Then I started to realize
I was living one big lie

She fucking hates me
Trust she fucking hates me
La la la love
I tried too hard and she tore my feelings like I had none
And ripped them away

That’s my story, as you see
Learned my lesson and so did she
Now it’s over and I’m glad
’cause I’m a fool for all I’ve said

She fucking hates me
Trust she fucking hates me
La la la love
I tried too hard and she tore my feelings like I had none
And ripped them away

La la la la la la la la la love
Trust la la la la la la la la la love
Trust (la la la la la la la la la love) And she tore my feelings like I had none
(Trust la la la la la la la la la love ) She fucking hates me

“Alternative” Lyrics 180

Topic: Donald J. Trump; Republicans; Republican Party; Donald J. Trump’s Base
“Sports Go Sports” by Garfunkel & Oates

Sports go sports!

I promise I really totally care who wins
If there’s a net or hoop or hole in the ground, I hope they get it in
If they want to go to all the bases, I hope they do
If they’re supposed to run past a line or whatever, I hope they do that, too

Sports go sports!

May they top their opponents numerically in the allotted time
Lest they disenfranchise their audience
And see their revenues decline

May the partakers be sturdy and rapid
In the spirited energies they exert
May they be victorious in perpetuity
Don’t I look cute in this football shirt?

Sports go sports!
Athletics are number one!
Participants are heroes!
Go team yeah!

This is the most important thing that’s ever occurred
The vicarious fulfillment of your dream that got deferred
You had aspirations as a kid, but you didn’t have the skill
So you watch genetically superior people do the things you never will

Sports go sports!

May the competitors you prefer
Best their opposing equivalents
So you can somehow feel connected to the feat
Of your self-appointed constituents
May the hours you spend watching post-match pontificators
Amplify the thrill of being a witness
And better your predictive aptitude
For your squad’s future physical fitness

Sports go sports!
Athletics are number one!
Participants are heroes!
Go team yeah!

Watching able-bodied millionaires play with each other
Watching less agile millionaire talk about it on TV
May they compile copious points
So they are rewarded and meritorious
So you feel temporarily, adjacently victorious

Sports go sports!
Athletics are number one!
Participants are heroes!
Go team yeah!

Every other word!

Sports!
Sports!
Are, one!
Are!
Go! Yeah!

Every other, other word!

Go!
Athletics, number!
Participants, heroes!
Team!

Now in Latin!

Ludis ire ludis
Arcu sunt optimum
Participants sunt heroes
Ire quadrigus sic

Now the truth!

If you could only throw a ball
You’d have a hotter wife
Lots and lots of money
And a way better life
And a way better life
Go sports!

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