“Alternative” Lyrics 51

Topic: Donald J. Trump; Republicans
“If I Only had the Nerve” by Bert Lahr from The Wizard of Oz

Yeh, it’s sad, believe me, Missy
When you’re born to be a sissy
Without the vim and verve

But I could show my prowess
Be a lion, not a mouse
If I only had the nerve

I’m afraid there’s no denyin’
I’m just a dandelion
A fate I don’t deserve

I’d be brave as a blizzard
I’d be gentle as a lizard
I’d be clever as a gizzard

If the Wizard is a Wizard who will serve?
Then I’m sure to get a brain
A heart, a home, the nerve

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“Alternative” Lyrics 50

Topic: Donald J. Trump; Republicans
“If I only had a Heart” by Jack Haley from The Wizard of Oz

When a man’s an empty kettle
He should be on his mettle
And yet I’m torn apart
Just because I’m presumin’
That I could be kind of human
If I only had a heart

I’d be tender, I’d be gentle
And awful sentimental
Regarding love and art
I’d be friends with the sparrows
And the boy that shoots the arrows
If I only had a heart

Picture me a balcony
Above a voice sings low

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

I hear a beat, how sweet!

Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion
And really feel the part
I could stay young and chipper
And I’d lock it with a zipper
If I only had a heart

“Alternative” Lyrics 49

Topic: Donald J. Trump; Republicans
“If I only had a Brain” by Ray Bolger from The Wizard of Oz

I could while away the hours
Conferrin’ with the flowers
Consultin’ with the rain

And my head, I’d be scratchin’
While my thoughts were busy hatchin’
If I only had a brain

I’d unravel every riddle
For any individual
In trouble or in pain

With the thoughts you’ll be thinkin’
You could be another Lincoln
If you only had a brain

Oh, I could tell you why the ocean’s near the shore
I could think of things I never thunk before
And then I’d sit and think some more

I would not be just a nothin’
My head all full of stuffin’
My heart all full of pain

I would dance and be merry
Life would be a ding-a-derry
If I only had a brain

“Alternative” Lyrics 48

Topic: Donald J. Trump; Paul Manafort; Rick Gates; George Papadopoulos; Republicans; Et Alii
“Cell Block Tango” by Catherine Zeta-Jones, Susan Misner; Deidre Goodwin; Denis Faye, Ekaterina Chtchelkanova, Mýa Harrison, and Taye Diggs from Chicago (Other productions with different singers are just as applicable)

[LIZ]
Pop!

[ANNIE]
Six!

[JUNE]
Squish!

[HUNYAK]
Uh Uh (squeezing neck)

[VELMA]
Cicero (Smoke puffs)

[MONA]
Lipschitz!

[LIZ]
Pop!

[ANNIE]
Six!

[JUNE]
Squish!

[HUNYAK]
Uh Uh (squeezing neck)

[VELMA]
Cicero (smoke puffs)

[MONA]
Lipschitz!

[LIZ]
Pop!

[ANNIE]
Six!

[JUNE]
Squish!

[HUNYAK]
Uh Uh (squeezing neck)

[VELMA]
Cicero (smoke puffs)

[MONA]
Lipschitz!

[LIZ]
Pop!

[ANNIE]
Six!

[JUNE]
Squish!

[HUNYAK]
Uh Uh (squeezing neck)

[VELMA]
Cicero (smoke puffs)

[MONA]
Lipschitz!

[LIZ]
Pop!

[ANNIE]
Six!

[JUNE]
Squish!

[HUNYAK]
Uh Uh (squeezing neck)

[VELMA]
Cicero (smoke puffs)

[MONA]
Lipschitz!

[ALL]
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you’d have been there
If you’d have seen it

[VELMA]
I betcha you would have done the same!

[LIZ]
Pop!

[ANNIE]
Six!

[JUNE]
Squish!

[HUNYAK]
Uh Uh (squeezing necklace

[VELMA]
Cicero (smoke puffs)

[MONA]
Lipschitz!

[LIZ (Spoken)]
You know how people
have these little habits
That get you down. Like Bernie.
Bernie, he liked to chew gum.
No, not chew. POP.
So I came home this one day
And I am really irritated, and I’m
looking for a little bit of sympathy
and there’s Bernie lyin’
on the couch, drinkin’ a beer
and chewin’. No, not chewin’.
Poppin’. So, I said to him,
I said, “you pop that
gum one more time…”
and he did.
So I took the shotgun off the wall
and I fired two warning shots…
…into his head.

[GIRLS]
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame

If you’d have been there
If you’d have heard it
I betcha you would
Have done the same!

[ANNIE (Spoken)]
I met Ezekiel Young from
Salt Lake city about two years ago
and he told me he was single
and we hit it off right away.
So, we started living together.
He’d go to work, he’d come home, I’d
fix him a drink, We’d have dinner.
And then I found out,
“Single” he told me?
Single, my ass. Not only
was he married
…oh, no, he had six wives.
One of those Mormons, you know. So that
night, when he came home, I fixed him
his drink as usual.
You know, some guys just can’t hold
their arsenic.

[LIZ,ANNIE,JUNE,MONA]
Hah! He had it coming
He had it coming
He took a flower
In its prime
And then he used it
And he abused it
It was a murder
But not a crime!

[VELMA AND HUNYAK]
Pop, six, squish, uh-uh
Cicero, Lipschitz

[JUNE (Spoken)]
Now, I’m standing in the kitchen
carvin’ up the chicken for dinner,
minding my own business,
and in storms my husband Wilbur,
in a jealous rage.
“You been screwin’ the milkman,”
he says. He was crazy
and he kept screamin’,
“you been screwin the milkman.”
And then he ran into my knife.
He ran into my knife ten times..”

[ALL]
If you’d have been there
If you’d have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!

[HUNYAK (Spoken)]
Mit kersek, en itt? Azt mondjok,
Hogy a hires lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg
Lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan
Vagyok. Nem tudom mert mondja
Uncle Sam hogy en tettem. probaltam
A rendorsegen megmayarazni de nem ertettek meg…

[JUNE (Spoken)]
Yeah, but did you do it?

[HUNYAK]
UH UH, not guilty!

[VELMA]
My sister, Veronica and
I had this double act
and my husband, Charlie,
traveled around with us.
Now, for the last number in
our act, we did 20 acrobatic tricks
one two three four,five…splits, spread eagles,
back flips,flip flops,
one right after the other.
Well, this one night we were in the hotel Cicero,
the three of us,
boozin’ and
havin’ a few laughs
when we run out of ice.
So I went out to get some.
I come back, open the door
and there’s Veronica and
Charlie doing Number Seventeen-
the spread eagle.

Well, I was in such a state of shock,
I completely blacked out.I can’t remember a thing.
It wasn’t until later,
when I was washing the blood off my hands
I even knew they were dead.

They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming all along
I didn’t do it
But if I’d done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

[VELMA]
They had it coming
[GIRLS]
They had it coming
[VELMA]
They had it coming
[GIRLS]
They had it coming
[VELMA]
They had it coming
[GIRLS]
They took a flower
[VELMA]
All along
[GIRLS]
In its prime
[VELMA]
I didn’t do it
[GIRLS]
And then they used it
[VELMA]
But if I’d done it
[GIRLS]
And they abused it
[VELMA]
How could you tell me
[GIRLS]
It was a murder
[VELMA]
That I was wrong?
[GIRLS]
But not a crime!

[MONA]
I loved Alvin Lipschitz
more than I can possibly say.
He was a real artistic guy…
sensitive… a painter.
But
He was always trying
to find himself.
He’d go out every night
looking for himself
and on the way
he found Ruth,
Gladys,
Rosemary and Irving.
I guess you can say we broke
up because of artistic differences.
He saw himself as alive
and I saw him dead.

[ALL]
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

[LIZ,ANNIE,MONA]
They had it comin’
[VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK]
They had it comin’
[LIZ,ANNIE,MONA]
They had it comin’
[VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK]
They had it comin’
[LIZ,ANNIE,MONA]
They had it comin’
[VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK]
They had it comin’
[LIZ,ANNIE,MONA]
All along
[VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK]
All along
‘Cause if they used us
‘Cause if they used us And they abused us
And they abused us
[LIZ,ANNIE,MONA]
How could you tell us
[VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK]
How could you tell us That we were wrong?
That we were wrong?

He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had
Himself
To blame.
If you’d have been there
If you’d have seen it
I betcha
You would
Have done
The same!

[LIZ (Spoken)]
You pop that gum one more time!

[ANNIE (spoken)]
Single my ass.

[JUNE (Spoken)]
Ten times!

[HUNYAK (Spoken)]
Miert csukott Uncle Same bortonbe.

[VELMA (Spoken)]
Number seventeen-the spread eagle.

[MONA (Spoken)]
Artistic differences.
[LIZ]
Pop!

[ANNIE]
Six!

[JUNE]
Squish!

[HUNYAK]
Uh Uh (squeezing necklace)

[VELMA]
Cicero (smoke puffs)

[MONA]
Lipschitz!

“Alternative” Lyrics 47

Topic: Donald J. Trump; Trump Family; Donald J. Trump’s Campaign Team; Donald J. Trump’s Administration; Republicans; Republican Party; Donald J. Trump’s Base
“You Can’t Get to Heaven on Roller Skates” by Betty Johnson

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven
(Oh, you can’t get to Heaven)
On roller skates
(On roller skates)

You gotta work your way
(Gotta work your way)
To the pearly gates
(Those pearly gates)

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven
On roller skates
Gotta work your way
To the pearly gates

And you gotta believe
If you wanna get in

[Chorus:]
Yes, you gotta believe
Believe, believe
Oh, you gotta believe
Believe, believe
Oh, you gotta believe
If you wanna get in

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven
(Oh, you can’t get to Heaven)
With powder and paint
(With powder and paint)

‘Cause it makes you look
(Cause it makes you look)
Like what you ain’t
(Like what you ain’t)

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven
With powder and paint
‘Cause it makes you look
Like what you ain’t

Oh, you gotta believe
If you wanna get in

[Repeat chorus]

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven
(Oh, you can’t get to Heaven)
With a pot of gold
(With a pot of gold)

‘Cause nothing up there
(Cause nothing up there)
Is bought and sold
(Is bought and sold)

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven
With a pot of gold
‘Cause nothing up there
Is bought and sold

Oh, you gotta believe
Oh, if you wanna get in

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven
(Oh, you can’t get to Heaven)
On roller skates
(On roller skates)

You gotta work your way
(Gotta work your way)
To the pearly gates
(To the pearly gates)

Oh, you can’t get to Heaven
On roller skates
Gotta work your way
To the pearly gates

And you gotta believe
If you wanna get in

[Repeat chorus]

(If you wanna get in)

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